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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.